BE MY GIRL FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

EXISTENTIAL CRISISSSS RAAAAAAA

no its much quieter than that. slow life, still things. who AM I!!! where do i want to be, what do i want to be accomplishing? why am i so lazy/detest responsibility? i want to be a drifter.

suddenly a sadness befell me and now i dont even know what to write. who even fucking cares.

ok trying again. these sort of things are intriguing right? maybe. no not at all. okay maybe. i dont know. keep running through my dreams.

MONTREAL MONTREAL

write read drum job french explore clothes friends love

so here i am..the end of 2009 has arrived and it’s not pretty. this year has actually been unfortunately pretty bland, highlights include dropping out of university, working with robbie, meeting roommate/bffl craig, moving to montreal. new years resolutions include quitting smoking, spending time with misinformed/perpetual teenager violet, writing more, starting school again, and being fearless. i met an intriguing individual who shall remain unnamed, but in the last post i mentioned that i hoped to meet an inspiring person, and he most certainly is one. he’s traveled a lot, twice completely alone and not knowing anyone in the entire country, half way around the planet. lone wolf. i like him because hes brave, witty, and perfectly content to hang out with himself. these are always some of my favourite people..the ones who are never lonely because they are their own best friend, the ones who make themselves laugh and don’t give a fuck about being anything to anyone. my dearest hannah is just like this too, i miss her more than the air i breathe. actually there’s a writer i knew from an art magazine i used to work on at school that was just like this too, the most hilarious boy named brian. actually YOU KNOW WHAT, i find most writers are my favourite people. they’re the ones that look at life and they laugh at it, they take it and they aren’t miserable or dreary, sometimes they resent the world because everyone resents reality, but for the most part these silly little cynics are the most comforting humans i’ve ever met. so now, here i am, i am going to be a little more optimistic cause although my life is a giant travesty in all directions at all times, i do have these people to look forward to meeting.

this whole entry is a big cheeseball piece of crap but i’m really too lazy to edit it and improve my writing.

BUT whats more important is that TONIGHT IS NEW YEARS EVE AND I DON’T HAVE ANYHTING TO WEAR.

my life is slab of cement sidewalk in front of your house

HEY YA’LL

as in, hey vaccume of empty internet space. how you feelin these days? so i’m at home in K-DUB ie. kitchener-waterloo and i am actually so fucking bored i was just sitting on my bed staring at the wall for a couple minutes before hastily realizing this and then texting dan in order to feel less alone about knowing this depressing de-tail of my sordid existence. no really, i’m so bored. not even here at home, but i’m just SO FUCKING BORED ALL THE TIME. if someone were to measure my brain waves, they would scratch their head and their butt in puzzled confusion because i would be staring sweetly at them, still breathing, and still blinking but oddly enough, with ZERO BRAIN FUNCTION. i’ve noticed that i dont THINK about anything, and this has therefore led to my anxiety issues with social situations because i honestly, truly cannot think of things to talk about. up until a few weeks ago i also had a really hard time stringing written words together to even form sentences to express what few thoughts HAVE been recently spotted in the overgrown jungle of my brain, where these ideas or feelings or opinions are like a rare species of japanese salamander babies that hibernate every day but will sometimes poke their heads out from their cave and then the jungle tourists will snap some pictures in awe and wonderment but then the salamander will get scared and scuttle away into darkness once more .

UMM WHAT??? anywayyyy…so this also means that i can’t POSSIBLY keep up with this day and age of youtube sensations and music legacies and cutting edge films…like i’m trying to get back into music, i stopped actively researching/downloading  music after my tragic breakup (2 years ago), and instead picked up reading again. SO basically, all i can ever talk about are books if i really needed to strum up deep conversation (i collect them but then dont read them HARHAR). and then i’m trying to learn drums, or i was for like a week, and that was SOO fun, like almost made my life complete for 1 solid minute. and so living in montreal…since i don;t have any real interests anymore and my soul is sleeping and my brain actually just doesn’t even bother making an effort anymore, i try to make up for it by hating everyone and rolling my eyes at the things that everyone else think are cool. i think this is just cause i’m a little furious i didn’t think of it first! screw ya’ll for being original! but this is purely to make myself think that the reason i DIDN’T THINK of this cool thing first was because i am actually TOO cool for it, and therefore for it to have ever dawned upon me to enjoy punk music or write plays would be very distasteful.

anyway i don’t know what else to say about myself, other than that i hope HOPE HOPE that i will meet someone or something that will inspire me so that i will awaken from my coma and that life won’t be still but will move once more.

i’m gonna die of

ssooo my good friend celestial seasoning reminded me today that i’ve been neglectin this thing.

i wish i could write a novel. what should i write about? that’s whats scary…there is an infinite amount of things to write about and then once you have a topic, there is an infinite amount of things your characters can be, say, do….how do you choose whats the most intriguing/satisfying/erotic/exciting/fitting thing???? it’s mind boggling. i think i wish i knew someone who was actually in the serious process of writing a book so that i could peer over their shoulder while they worked and breathe into their ear to distract them so that i can a) copy everything they are writing and b) stop them from getting too far ahead of me

i’m getting really fat. can’t stop eating. boobies welcoming extra calories.

that’s about it. bye.

wish you were here tied to the pier

didn’t realize how strange it would be to be home. my heart is heavy heavy heavy. it’s just that maybe my rash, 2 week envisioned move to montreal was a little too dreamy. everything is heavy. but everything is also just a little too plain, a little too ordinary…visiting my friends in the suburbs, listening to my little sister’s puberty-driven yelling, being slotted into a 15 minute block of time with a friend because of mid terms….but comfort and security and EASY living always sort of pulls at my heart because even though i’m bored and restless and crazy i still like things that are natural and free. spending time with an old flame was also a bit of an issue seeing as everything he is to me is everything here. i wish your life wasn’t so common and i wish the words didn’t disappear.

visits

writing about the real world makes me yawn.

i really have nothing to talk about. this bloggo was supposed to help my subconscience remember that it has a purpose for existence and should likely be contributing to something besides craving food or having dreams about my ex boyfriends. we are always running for the thrill of it. and there are some things missing in my life…perhaps its the fact that my intellectual capacity is slowly deteriorating. don’t remind me.

this is not a test

Hallo sell outs